There use to be reckless abandon in love for me. Why did that change? What’s there instead? Thought. Contemplation. Curiosity. What I considered innocence was really just the ability to let go and just BE, just DO. A kiss becomes a formality because of the wheels turning, and therefore so rarely about the feeling. Occasionally, there’s the physical immersion, but it isn’t coupled with the fuzzy feeling because there is still doubt underneath. Because as soon as the heart starts trying to step in and notice the kiss, the person on the other end of it, the brain pushes back. I need to learn to clear my mind before I can feel again.
I’m not saying I’m ready for all that. Realizing it doesn’t make it go away. Days of thinking on it, though, and silly enough, it was watching a moment on Revenge that brought the realization - not because it was a topic, just because I saw two people kiss hungrily. I wondered, “Does he feel that way, the way I used to? Why don’t I anymore? When did this change?” And yes… I remember the first kiss that wasn’t like that anymore. Clear as day, and may never be able to forget it.
Hopefully, someday, it will be unforgettable in that it shows me how much can be destroyed with loss of trustworthiness, and how precious love is. Perhaps even a memory of how horrible it was to not feel as deeply as I can.
But I’m better than being “jaded”, if that’s the word this can all be wrapped up into. Wait, is jaded a bad thing to be better than? Yes. I’m better because of my capacity. I *can* love, and it’s still there, just repressed as a self-defense mechanism. Covered in memories of lies, deceit, betrayal. Covered in doubt. Covered in self-consciousness and insecurity. And no flame can be covered with that many ingredients and still burn. A fire needs to be given new things to feed on… but the things have to contribute to the fire’s health. A fire smothered in fresh wounds will burn out, leaving just the coals underneath.
But the coals are still there. If you remove the offending smothering and place good wood on the fire, it may need a little encouragement, but it will catch again and can even burn brighter than before.
Funny, an analogy for myself that’s the opposite of the usual water type. I’m not yet sure what to make of that.